IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME...

I can't believe it's been this long since I've posted to my blog. I used to have access to the website at work, but then I was blocked. There went my down time. I know I have months to catch up on, but I will do a little summary.

Still flying high on the release of my book, "The Safety of Madness." Get your copy also on Amazon.com. I am working on my second poetry book, "Winter's Fierce Breath," to be released some time next year.

Three weeks ago I had surgery. A septoplasty/turbinate reduction. I am still recovering. I hear it will be several weeks before I am one hundred percent again. A very uncomfortable surgery. I hope to be breathing 100% again soon.

At the end of June I had the pleasure of photographing a good friend's wedding in Lake Tahoe! It was beautiful! I also have another wedding shoot the first weekend of October.

New photos to come soon. I know I haven't posted any in so long!

Keeping busy, that's what I've been doing! Hope everyone is doing well and I will try my best not to be gone so long!

MY ROUGH SEAS

This heart sits heavy

In the middle of a dream

Weeping from what could be

A disillusioned memory

Erased inside a stolen moment

It was never mine

I only captured what I couldn’t have

Don’t you know that’s just not fair?

Of course you didn’t

You were too busy with someone else

Focusing on a fuzzy picture

When I should have been your clarity

Now I see…

These eyelids close

In the middle of a vision

The color shifted to black and white

Once vivid now ordinary in a fake world

It was never mine

Who’s to say I put myself in my own place

When I never even knew where to start this course

That left me without a left or right turn

A barricade that paved the way

For my every action

It was always wrong

Blowing up in my face

And yet at precise moments

It didn’t seem to bother me

At least not today

Time drifts away as it waves goodbye

The sunset teased a happier peace

Its last mistake has ranked first place

Here I go leaving my mark

Why couldn’t you have noticed

It was I with my heart in my hand

Passing along your good taste

Another untouched heart gone to waste

With a pair of passionless lips

You missed your perfect kiss

I’ll never know because you are the water

That could levitate and drown me

All at the same pace

The wave that carries me and sinks me

On a crowded ship of ghosts

I float on this water

Your powerful current

That forces me to sail on to another sea…

***********

© Dina Darling

MY BOOK IS AVAILABLE!!!

The wait is over...."The Safety of Madness," is now available!!! If you're interested, please check it out! Thank you everyone for all your support! It means the world!!

THE SAFETY OF MADNESS

Here is the cover of my book "The Safety of Madness," to be released in June.

ALLY AND BOBBY

THE ARELLANO FAMILY PORTRAITS

PHIL ANGOTTI

My most recent photo with shoot with the incredible Phil Angotti.

ERIC HOWELL, JAMIE MOTZ, RYAN NELSON & MIKE ZELENKO

Eric Howell, Jamie Motz, Ryan Nelson and Mike Zelenko are all incredible Chicago musicians that play throughout the city. They are all in various bands and are a must see.

MADISON COUNTY

My family lives in Winterset, Iowa. The town where the book "The Bridges of Madison County," was based upon. I travel to see them about three times a year. Every time I do, I wander around the small town and take photographs.

PHOTOGRAPH FACADE

Showering in my façade

Icicle droplets

I am soaked to the core of my truth

I shouldn’t have anything to hide, but I do
I am terrified

Beauty is inside out

Is it not, I'm confused...

But not enough see past what should be

And that is a pathetic fashion that saddens me

I protect myself

My mirror covered self

You can not see what is below the chin

I am too ashamed

Embarrassed by what I’ve become

Insecurity ripples on my skin

From my photographs you would never suspect

A plus size girl with a top model effect

I am so good at covering

So fantastic at pretend

Are you deceived by my black and white?

My colored canvas of lens and art

Do you think beauty runs from head to toe?

Not all are blessed with such inclination

I have flaws like everyone else

I’m not afraid to admit them

I hate what I see

I’ll even make fun of myself

Angry that I let myself get like this…

I conjure up a beauty queen

A Cleopatra tease

What if you saw me in person?

Would you head for the nearest door?

Because I wasn’t what you had fantasized in your mind

At least if we’re making love you’d be staring into my eyes

Not necessarily my heavy set thighs

Does a picture tell a thousand words?

What if they were all lies that burned?

Why is it so hard to be who I am?

I may not have the body

But my face can persuade youI

nto thinking otherwise

This face is a keeper

But this body is put to shame

You see a portrait of a girl

Who changes her look to please

After all, a photograph remains

It is sometimes a dream

While the rest of me just fades…

************

© Dina Darling

WITHOUT A SINGLE REASON

I hear the answer calling

There is nothing left to say

Without a single reason

I was put away

A tug of war of emotion

I must have held my grip too tight

You let go of the rope without a fight

It confirmed my fears

That I never meant anything to you at all

Caught up in yourself

A self-absorbed sponge

Never going to get dry

You’ve left a mess

And after what you’ve done

No one is going to help you up

Off the pedestal you have built

When you begin to fall

That trip to the bottom is a long way down

And when you land

Pop, there goes your head

And it will be oh so lonely

When no one is left to catch you

I admit I let my emotions get the best of me

I admit this bitch gets my say so

Cause you know I’ve got a lot to say

Everything I’ve done

Was a sacrifice I was willing to make

I put in all that I had

Just to be a good friend

But you used me

Played me for a fool

You cut the line of communication

Without a single reason

You just burned every bridge you’ve ever made

Walking on fire

This stupid masquerade

Who is to blame?

We used to be able to get past any problem

What happened?

Whatever I didI wish I knew

Because I gave everything I had to give to you

This is the lowest thing you could have done

The maturity level lowered till it hit ground

And if this is the end

Best of luck to you

I never thought it would end like this

But the more I rationalize

The more I work it through

I’m utterly hurt and confused

You leave me sad and disappointed in your irrational behavior

If this is the way I’m being treated

Do I really need a person like you in my life?

I’m not one for goodbyes

But if this is indeed goodbye

The ocean has now parted

My words no longer dedicated to you

You lost the one person who cared about you most

And the caring that I placed at your door

Never meant a thing at all

So it now blows away with the wind

As I continue on with my life

That has a brighter future

With or without you

I’m the flame in the fire

That deserves to rise higher

© Dina Darling

SELF PORTRAIT-REFLECTION

"Reflection" Christina Aguilera

*****

Look at me

You may think you see

Who I really am

But you'll never know me

Every day

It's as if I play a part

Now I see If I wear a mask

I can fool the world

But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

I am now

In a world where

I Have to hide my heart

And what I believe in

But somehow I will show the world

What's inside my heart

And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see

Staring straight back at me?

Why is my reflection

Someone I don't know?

Must I pretend that

I'm Someone else for all time?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be

Free to fly

That burns with a need to know

The reason why

Why must we all conceal

What we think, how we feel?

Must there be a secret me

I'm forced to hide?

I won't pretend that

I'm Someone else for all time

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

When will my reflection show

Who I am inside?

SILENT MIDNIGHT

It is later than it seems
The hands of the clock
Frozen and deformed
A crooked sense of destiny
Leading to an empty doorframe
That I’m trying to keep from falling
Holding on with every piece of my strength
And now I must let go…
I must let it crumble to unrecognizable pieces

The path I have taken
Bumpy and cold
If I could rewind
Would I begin again?
I’m not quite sure
What I would do

If everything happens for a reason
Then where is my explanation for the why and how
I am still searching for my prophecy
Barricaded under the bedroom floor
The rumors slipped and toyed with my outcome
I was misinformed
I put on a show
I pretended no one was watching
I practiced my monologue over and over
Till the words felt like home on my tongue

Now the tongue is a blade
Piercing through anything in which it tastes
Scorned and burned from fate that got lost along the way
I survive
Even if I have to be the one to give up my last breath
There is no other choice to claim today
Right or wrong
Sin or wear my halo
Depends if I want to laugh or cry

I make mistakes just like anybody else
The flashlight seeks me out in the middle of a silent midnight
I am caught
Dressed in stubbornness and jealousy
I have never looked so ugly
Yet if you would have paid better attention
To the hand that was reaching out
It wouldn’t have come to this
I wouldn’t have been so bitter
To be hung out in your treacherous storm
Of icy whips and remarks
My emotions fend for themselves
Without a shield
I take the point of the arrow
Like a good girl should
An end to a new beginning
Life after death
I just don’t know
But I will rest my feet in the tides
And see where the next wave chooses to carry me…

© Dina Darling

PLAY ME

Capsules in my mind
Separate consuming thoughts
Tug of war with my feelings
Can they exist so freely like this?
You are not mine to play with
What will be the outcome of this unknown game?
I haven’t a clue
But I have a taste

In over my head
Or underneath my bed
Hiding from the fiction
That could slowly peel a visual reality
Is this crazy?
Actually it is
Am I out of context?
I’m always outside of the lines
I don’t know what’s taking over me
But something is steering the wheel…

I am drawn to you
By mystery and curiosity
Whatever web you’re weaving
I am paralyzed by every sticky string
Your charm corrupts me
A twisted magic spell cast on me
A sleep I could only wake up to
If it is you kissing my tender lips

Consume me if you dare
I consume you if I dare
Do we even dare?
We are a creation we put together
A devious script with unrehearsed dialogue
A myth we leave trail behind
Our world’s depths away
Crashing waves
Projecting our SOS
I hear you
Can you hear me?
Who are you?
I don’t even know
But the way your words persuade me
I am a pawn ready to be played

© Dina Darling

MAZE OF TIME

I wish I had it in me
To cancel out my heart
A repetitive beat
A sound I wish I could be deaf to

Pain exists in figments
I leave open for wounds
I get what’s coming
It’s always what I deserve
Love is a poison
Let’s drink it and be done

You break me piece by piece
Start setting me down
I let the world rest on my shoulders
And this passion is so heavy
My eyelids focus on a dream
Baby, it’s so hard to see
When I see you
And you see past me
The connection will connect
At some point in this maze of time
I have to know it will…

Your beauty is my entertainment
I want to reach out
And delicately trace your face
It’s a face I have always loved
One I’ve been at peace with
When you let me touch
The tenderness in your eyes
Reminds me of how you’re focused on me
When you and I are alone
I want more hours if I could allow
I want more kisses for my lips to give in

It hurts to love you
I’m so far gone
So deep within
I want to erase this heart
Ignore its magnificent beat
I don’t want to lose you
Cause I can’t imagine my life without you
You make me love you
You make me hate you
You bring the fire
You bring the ocean
I bring the love
And I set it out for all to see
At some point in this maze of time
We will finally meet our connection
My love will finally rub off on you
And we shall be complete

© Dina Darling

GUITAR HONOR

One of the things I love about Facebook is that you come across so many interesting people. There are musicians, artists, writers and just a great diversity of people. I become friends with an artist named Michael Hap Hapner. He goes by HAP. He takes instruments, bikes, hats and whatever he can get his hands on and paints them in his amazing unique way. I think the work he does is incredible. He sent me an e-mail and said that after he does a piece he likes to give it a name. He asked if he could name his newest piece after me. I was honored!!!! So HAP, thank you from the bottom of my heart for naming one of your beautiful pieces after me.

"Every time I paint a reuse guitar, I like to give her a name. This is a late 60's instrument with a lot of talent and class in one package. D.Darling has a nice ring to it." HAP

LET ME

Crawling through leaves
Each detail unseen
Bruised up knees
Pain and discomfort
Let me bleed

Searching and searching
Dirtying up my hands
They never wash clean
Maybe I like this scene
More than I need
Let me confess

I pull out the whips
I want to be in command
I pull out the chains
I’m going to torture
Anyone who gets in my way
Let me breathe

You say it is what it is
You just don’t know
What it is
Sick of excuses
Burnt out on reason
Boring routine
Let me leave

I hide who I really am
A picture cliché of someone I’m not
All you see are my eyes
Not the rest of me
And if I let you see
Would that be a big surprise?
Does it matter?
Could you find it within you?
Destroy superficiality
And let me be me

© Dina Darling

IS THIS MY PLACE?

I crave more substance
Than what I already possess
It is my only strength
I am withering
My petals lose their color on the edge
I will not let myself fade
Even if I become caught underneath
Your raging storm

My fuel has leaked across an unfamiliar pavement
Free for pick up if you please
A new destination
But will it really change?
The morose crowd may find me again
And they will attempt to tattoo
Their sadness trademark across my back
I will ask them politely to stay away
But only once!

Have I been penciled in?
Is this a graphic novel?
A wicked comic strip?
I can’t define my own outline
If someone else tries to control me

I need my freedom
My clear sky
My sunny side
A place of peace
Where no more whirlwinds
Can rip me off my feet
I want to stay put
Without feeling as if everything I love
Has been taken away….

© Dina Darling

MISMATCHED

She’s very peculiar
Talks on and on and on
Did I mention on and on and on
As if she’s afraid she’ll run out of breath
Trying to get her point across
She never makes the finish line
But I just smile and nod my head
As if I’m paying attention
But I’m not, not really
If she came with a remote I’d turn her off
I’d even take the batteries out
Because if I don’t have anything nice to say
I best not say it at all
A pillar of nonsense
Blah, blah, blah
She doesn’t do a thing for me
A weird collage that I don’t get
And I could care less about her
But I’m dying to know
What does she do for him?
I don't see it or how or why?

Oh, she’s all wrong
She’s all wrong for him
A mismatched pattern
A clanging cymbal in a marching parade
She doesn’t share his common interests like I do
Misinterprets his comedy and passion
Just doesn’t get him like I do
Argues for the sake of arguing
I guess that’s okay
If you like that sort of thing
She’s not good enough for him
Not good enough like I am

Maybe she’s not the one to question
I mean, is that what he really likes?
Maybe I should question my own taste
Opposites attract
Some crazy magnetic power
But I think it’s backwards
Just ridiculous to combine oil and honey

Well just as long as he’s happy
That’s all that truly matters
But I know he’s just not happy
Maybe someone should let her know
It breaks me in two
I’m standing on the sidelines while they’re playing the game
I have no energy to cheer
Yet I have the energy to scream at the top of my lungs
I’m lying on the defense
Losing progress
Watching the score drop

No more monkey in the middle
I’m going to let the ball fall hard
When he decides to wake up
Maybe I’ll still be hanging around

© Dina Darling

DREAMS & WHAT IF

I am fascinated by dreams. I always have been. I believe that when you're more in tune to your dreams you remember them better. I used to keep a dream journal because my dreams were so graphic. Many of my dreams are literally like a movie. So much is happening. I use to dream about vampires constantly! I own several dream books so I immediately had to find out why on earth I was dreaming about vampires so much. This is what it means: The vampire represents personal attributes or negative habits that drain energy and resources or cause emotional exhaustion. Logical explanation....my mother. She is the most negative person I know. Many of my self esteem issues and insecurities are because of her. Am I blaming her? Yes. How many times have I heard "You're too fat. No one makes money as a writer or actress." Everything I wanted to do was stupid to her. I wasn't living in "the real world." My dad used to tell me that my mom was jealous of me. How could a mother be jealous of her daughter? I never understood it. It hurts me. Why can't you just be happy for me? Even with my book coming out, she seems to have no interest. Almost like it is a mockery to her.

I remember the first time I was published. This was the difference between my Mom and Dad. My Mom came home from work and I showed her the book. She grabbed it, glanced at it, threw it on the kitchen table and said that's nice. She didn't pick it back up. When my Dad arrived home I handed him the book. I practically attacked him at the door because I was so excited to be included in this small publication. There he stood in the doorway, keys in hand, jacket still on and read my poem. He was so proud of me. I miss those days! I miss the closeness I used to have with my Dad. My Dad's reaction to my forthcoming book..."cool." It's not the same anymore. My parents divorced when I was twenty one. To me, being older is ten times more harder to deal with a divorce than when you are younger. Why? Because my Dad was active in my life all those years. If I was younger when this happened I would have less memories of him. I have had a very difficult family life. Growing up wasn't always easy. But I will not release any more personal demons in this entry. I am after all writing about dreams. :-)

So let's go back to dreams. When I woke up this morning my dream from last night stuck to me. Mid morning and I still can't shake it. What are those hidden meanings that come across in dreams? Back in 2002 I became very close with someone. I spent as much time with him as possible. He made me happy. We were great friends. We were never intimate with one another, not even a kiss, but our connection was undeniable. The reason we were never intimate was because he was in a relationship. She was away at school, which allowed me to spend time with him. I tried my hardest not to fall for him, but I did. We have many soul mates throughout life. I will claim to this day that he was one of them. We shared common interests, I mean even childhood interests that go back to our favorite book and favorite movie. We had our own inside jokes. Our one simple word that no matter what was going on, we just had to say that word and we knew. We discussed our feelings once. I have to be honest, I don't remember much of the conversation. It was one of those nights where the alcohol decided to speak for me. Was he scared of taking a chance on me? He was with his girlfriend for so long, what if he left her, gave me a chance and then it didn't work out? You know what..."A life lived in fear is a life half lived." You have to take those chances or else you'll never know!! Or maybe I was wrong about the whole thing and it was in fact simply just friendship and I made it into something it was not.

When my Grandma passed away December 19th, 2002 it was the hardest thing I had ever experienced in my life. She was my light, my comfort. Nobody understood me like she did. He came to the wake. I was photographing family portraits for him later that night. He asked if I wanted to cancel. I said no because I didn't want to cry anymore. I needed something to take my mind off what I just lost. I figured he would come back later that night and that was that. He left to pick up his car at a friends house. About an hour later he was back at the funeral home. I said, "Why are you back so soon?" He said, "I felt this is where I needed to be." Wow! That made me love him more. I remember another night when he pulled out his acoustic guitar while hanging out at his place. He sang "Every Rose Has It's Thorn." Well, that it does. It's just those sweet simple memories that latch on to you and you never forget them. So what happened? She came back from school and I saw less and less of him. Eventually they got married. I am about to reveal a confession after all these years. He and I are still friends and I know he visits my blog from time to time. So a personal note to him...you will either be angry with me or sad or feel nothing at all. He had asked me to photograph his wedding reception. I lied and told him I was going out of town to see my family. How in the world could I photograph his WEDDING reception??? I just couldn't!!! I didn't have the strength for that. I couldn't capture your happy moments with someone else because I wasn't a part of those happy moments. It broke my heart. If things would have worked out I know he would have made me happy. We would have been so good together! In my eyes we just fit, you know? I miss him. My heart still cracks a bit when he'll leave me messages with our "special" word. It makes me realize that though he wasn't in love with me(if that is the case), he still cares deeply for me. At least I'd like to believe so.

So why am I spilling the beans about all of this now? Ah, yes...dreams. I dreamt of him last night. We were at show seeing a band that we follow. The band is the reason he and I met. In the dream I hadn't noticed he was there at first. It's been so long since he's been to a show. He was sitting in a chair and turned around. He caught my eye and came over. The first thing he does is hug me. As he pulls back he says "I have something to tell you." He then apologizes to me for not giving our relationship a chance. That it is a regret he lives with. Okay...whoa!!! What?? Why??

The dream upset me a bit. Is that a fact? I honestly don't know. I may never know. Life moves on. It was in the past. Why did I have that dream? Was he giving me my answer that I always asked for, but the only way it could be expressed to me was in a dream? Is it complete bullshit? I can't analyze this too much. I already questioned "What if," a thousand times over. Such is life and it does go on...

EMILY DICKINSON

Emily Dickinson is a poet I have treasured my whole life. I once received a compliment from someone who admired my poetry. She said this, "I wish you were published. I would own all of your books. I'd worship and memorize them like I do with Emily Dickinson." I was completely floored. That was a compliment I could never imagine myself worthy of. I will cherish her words always.

Another fellow poet once told me this. "This is like your diary put into poetry. Your personal expression is deep and troubled, but from it comes something beautiful." How true her words were. My mind never stops. Words just seem to seep from my pores. I am always thinking. I jot down my words anywhere I can. Post it notes, napkins, my hand sometimes when I've found no paper. I hope I never ever lose inspiration.

I want to share some of Ms. Dickinson's quotes that touch me to the core.

*****

"I'm nobody, who are you?"

*****

"A word is dead when it is said, some say. I say it just begins to live that day. "

*****

"Beauty is not caused. It is."

*****

"Celebrity is the chastisement of merit and the punishment of talent."

*****

"Forever is composed of nows."

*****

"If I feel physically as if the top of my head were taken off

I know that is poetry."

*****

"Saying nothing... sometimes says the most."

*****

"The brain is wider than the sky."

*****

"The soul should always stand ajar, ready to welcome the ecstatic experience."

IF I FLY

Juggling a million words
I can’t hold them all in my hands
Let alone keep them
From swimming through the channels of my lips
So much I want to say
I refrain
Just in case they pierce you when you least expect
And I can’t handle causing such pain

To myself or anybody else

I attach my wings
My take off is now
Destination anywhere
But where you are
I can’t look you in the eyes the way I remember
You now portray a mysterious stranger
I must make my flight
Better late than never

If I fly

My notes are scribbled
I can’t recognize my own handwriting
The plot is thickening
Aren't you the least bit curious?
I am numb
You haven’t noticed how I’ve changed
But I’ve watched you slowly erase me from your mind
And it kills to know we can never go back to what we once had

My dreams are consumed with images of you
I don’t dream in black and white
I surround myself in vivid coloring
Put back the pieces
They are glued to every inch of me
I need some separation from reality and pretend

Include me
That’s all I ever wanted
Was to be included
Be a memory for you
The days so short
The nights rest endless
Emptiness I never wanted to nest
I just wanted to go home
The rescue of your arms
Where nothing else existed
But you and me…

© Dina Darling

***********

ADAM LAMBERT

Last year it was David Cook and no one else. This year, well let's just say at first I was pretty bored with American Idol. I kept thinking okay this is great and all, but how many more seasons are they going to do? No one stood out to me and partially that is my fault because I wasn't paying close attention. I'd be online or cleaning up around the house when I had the show on. Then this week, which was Michael Jackson night came along. My friend Michael, who is a huge Idol fan spent the night. We watched the show and he said just wait for Adam Lambert. Since you haven't been paying attention he is going to blow you away. Well here comes Adam singing "Black & White." The vocals on him will amaze you if you haven't been watching. He has a background in Broadway and my God he proved it. He was hitting notes unimaginable. If he is not this years American Idol I refuse to watch it next year.

I had dinner at my Mom's house last night and she even said Adam was going to win. She's in love with him. To quote her, "He's a fox!" She said he reminded her a bit of Elvis Presley and last night when I watched, I have to agree. He is going to be a big star! No doubt about that!

SAY, SAY, SAY

I constantly complain about my job. I admit it. Many tell me with the economy these days I should be thankful that I do in fact have a job. Of course I am thankful, but that doesn't stop me from having the right to bitch about it. I am allowed. I can and I will.

I hate that sinking feeling of unhappiness. Have you ever had that feeling that you were made for something else? Have you ever questioned what you are doing because you know you are better than what you're doing? I am feeling that right now.

Last July my branch downtown was closed. There was me and another assistant whose job hung in the balance because there was only one position left to be moved. I was chosen. However, me being chosen sent me to an office nowhere near my house. A few years back I had sold my car to pay off some bills. That was heaven. I had so much extra money to play with. It felt great! I was walking distance to the train to and from work. If I needed something, anything at all I could get it. I loved that feeling.

Well because of the location of the office I had to buy a car. The worst thing about selling my car was that it was ALREADY paid off. So here I was starting all over with a brand new car payment and now insurance. My commute is an hour and a half both ways. I am miserable!!! Some days it doesn't bother me, but lately it's really getting to me.

My boss is one of those people that has her little "pets." She talks about EVERYONE behind their back. She shares personal business that she should not be sharing. It's very unprofessional. I work for some gentlemen that our worse than doctors and lawyers. Believe me I know, I worked for both. I am done with this industry. I have no desire to further my career here. I've been with the company six years now and maybe it's just a comfort zone I like to hang out in. But let's be honest, there isn't that much out there to pursue anything else at the moment.

I am trying to be transferred to a previous location I had worked at. I left that original location to go downtown and let me tell you it was the biggest mistake I made. I try not to have any regrets in life, but unfortunately leaving where I was is the biggest regret I have burdening me. Why did I leave my location? For a stupid man, but let's not go into that story right now. I have to stick with believing that "Everything happens for a reason," so eventually I will figure out and understand that very reasoning.

I won't hear anything for a few weeks about the possible move. I have my fingers, toes, eyes and whatever else can be crossed, crossed. I hope it will lift the dark cloud dancing on my head right now.

I am way too creative for the work I am doing on a "9-5" basis. In my heart, I know there is bigger and better things out there waiting for me. I want to focus on my writing and photography. I need to do something with it. I need to get out of this glass cage I feel I am suffocating in. I pray every day that my poetry book will be a success and it can be the road to something better than what I am in. I want a change. I need a change!! I don't want to feel so sick and tired anymore. I want happiness to welcome me with open arms. I will get there....I know I will!